How the Enneagram Transformed My Marriage: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Growth
When my wife first suggested we take the free Enneagram personality test, I was skeptical. Another personality quiz? I thought to myself. How could answering a bunch of questions about myself possibly improve our relationship? Little did I know that this ancient system of personality typing would become a catalyst for profound personal growth and a transformation in my role as a husband.
The Enneagram is a model of the human psyche that outlines nine distinct personality types, each with its own core motivations, fears, and behavioral patterns. As I delved into the world of the Enneagram, I discovered that I was a Type 3, often referred to as “The Achiever.” This revelation was both illuminating and uncomfortable, as it forced me to confront aspects of myself I had long ignored or rationalized away.
Understanding My Type 3 Tendencies
As a Type 3, I learned that I am driven by a deep-seated need to be valued and admired. I have a constant desire to succeed and be seen as successful by others. This explained so much about my behavior in our marriage – my workaholic tendencies, my difficulty in being emotionally present, and my habit of turning every aspect of our relationship into a performance to be evaluated.
I realized that I had been approaching my role as a husband like I approached my career – as a series of tasks to be accomplished and goals to be achieved. I was always asking myself, “Am I being a good enough husband?” instead of genuinely connecting with my wife and our shared experiences.
This revelation was humbling. I had prided myself on being a “good” husband because I provided financially, remembered important dates, and performed acts of service. But I had been missing the deeper emotional connection that my wife craved and deserved.
Recognizing My Wife’s Type
The Enneagram wasn’t just about understanding myself; it also gave me insight into my wife’s personality type. She’s a Type 2, often called “The Helper.” Type 2s are motivated by a need to be loved and appreciated, and they express their love through acts of service and care for others.
Suddenly, so many of our conflicts made sense. My wife’s constant offers of help and support, which I had sometimes perceived as nagging or a lack of faith in my abilities, were actually her primary way of expressing love. Her hurt feelings when I didn’t acknowledge her efforts weren’t about being needy; they were about a deep-seated fear of being unappreciated.
This understanding allowed me to approach our interactions with more empathy and awareness. I began to see her acts of service not as attempts to control or criticize, but as genuine expressions of love and care.
Confronting My Shadows
One of the most challenging aspects of my Enneagram journey was confronting my “shadow side” – the negative aspects of my personality type that I had been blind to or unwilling to acknowledge.
For Type 3s, this often manifests as a tendency to prioritize image over authenticity, to avoid vulnerability, and to measure self-worth solely through achievements and others’ perceptions. I had to face the uncomfortable truth that in my quest to be the “perfect” husband, I had often been inauthentic, emotionally distant, and more concerned with how our marriage looked to others than how it felt to us.
This realization was painful, but it was also the beginning of real growth. I started to recognize when I was slipping into performance mode in our relationship, and I began to practice being more genuine and vulnerable with my wife.
Learning to Be Present
One of the biggest challenges for me as a Type 3 was learning to be truly present in the moment. My mind was always racing ahead to the next goal, the next achievement. This meant that even when I was physically with my wife, I was often mentally elsewhere – thinking about work, planning future projects, or worrying about how I was measuring up as a husband.
The Enneagram taught me the importance of mindfulness and presence. I started practicing being fully engaged in our conversations, really listening to my wife instead of just waiting for my turn to speak or thinking about how to “solve” whatever she was sharing.
This shift was transformative. Not only did my wife feel more heard and appreciated, but I also found myself enjoying our time together more. I discovered the joy of simply being, rather than constantly doing or achieving.
Embracing Vulnerability
As a Type 3, vulnerability had always felt like weakness to me. The Enneagram helped me understand that true strength lies in the ability to be open, honest, and emotionally available.
I started sharing more of my inner world with my wife – my fears, my insecurities, my dreams. At first, this felt terrifying. I worried that she would think less of me if she saw my imperfections. To my surprise, these moments of vulnerability brought us closer than ever before.
I learned that my wife didn’t need me to be perfect; she needed me to be real. Our connection deepened as I allowed myself to be seen, flaws and all.
Redefining Success in Our Marriage
Perhaps the most significant change the Enneagram brought about was a shift in how I defined success in our marriage. Previously, I had measured our relationship’s success by external markers – financial stability, social status, how we appeared to others.
The Enneagram taught me to value the intangibles – emotional intimacy, shared experiences, mutual growth and support. I began to see that a truly successful marriage wasn’t about achieving specific goals, but about creating a deep, nurturing connection that allowed both of us to thrive as individuals and as a couple.
This new perspective allowed me to relax into our relationship. Instead of constantly striving to be the “best” husband, I focused on being present, authentic, and emotionally available.
Navigating Conflicts with Greater Understanding
The Enneagram also provided invaluable insights into how we approach and handle conflicts. As a Type 3, I tend to avoid negative emotions and try to move quickly past disagreements. My wife, as a Type 2, often feels hurt and withdraws when she perceives a lack of appreciation.
Understanding these patterns allowed us to navigate conflicts more effectively. I learned to slow down and acknowledge my wife’s feelings, even when I wanted to rush to a solution. She, in turn, learned to express her needs more directly, understanding my difficulty in picking up on emotional cues.
We developed a new language for discussing our issues, often referencing our Enneagram types to help explain our reactions and needs. This shared framework made our conversations more productive and less prone to misunderstandings.
Balancing Self-Improvement and Self-Acceptance
One of the trickier aspects of working with the Enneagram was finding the balance between self-improvement and self-acceptance. As a Type 3, I initially approached the Enneagram like any other self-improvement tool – something to master and excel at.
However, I gradually learned that the true power of the Enneagram lies not in becoming a “perfect” version of your type, but in accepting and integrating all aspects of yourself. This meant acknowledging my Type 3 traits as neither good nor bad, but simply as part of who I am.
This balance of self-improvement and self-acceptance has been crucial in my growth as a husband. I continue to work on my tendencies towards workaholism and emotional distance, but I also accept that these are part of my personality. This self-acceptance has, paradoxically, made it easier for me to change and grow.
Supporting My Wife’s Growth
As I delved deeper into the Enneagram, I also learned how to better support my wife in her own growth journey. Understanding her Type 2 motivations and fears allowed me to encourage her in ways that resonated with her.
I learned to express appreciation more frequently and specifically, addressing her core need to feel valued. I also gently encouraged her to prioritize self-care and to express her own needs more directly, supporting her growth towards healthier Type 2 behaviors.
This mutual support and understanding of each other’s growth processes has added a new dimension to our relationship. We’ve become partners in personal development, cheering each other on as we work towards becoming our best selves.
The Ongoing Journey
It’s been several years since we first discovered the Enneagram, and its impact on our marriage continues to unfold. While it hasn’t been a magic solution to all our problems, it has provided us with a valuable framework for understanding ourselves and each other.
I’ve learned that being a good husband isn’t about perfection or achievement. It’s about showing up authentically, being present, and continually working on myself while accepting who I am at my core.
The Enneagram has taught me that true love isn’t about performing or meeting external standards. It’s about creating a space where both partners can be fully themselves, supporting each other’s growth while accepting each other’s fundamental nature.
As I continue on this journey of self-discovery and marital growth, I’m grateful for the insights the Enneagram has provided. It has helped me become not just a better husband, but a more authentic, self-aware, and emotionally available person.
To anyone considering exploring the Enneagram, especially within the context of a relationship, I wholeheartedly encourage you to take the plunge. It may challenge you, it may make you uncomfortable at times, but it has the potential to transform your understanding of yourself and your partner in profound ways.
Remember, the goal isn’t to change who you are fundamentally, but to become the healthiest, most integrated version of yourself. And in doing so, you may just find that you become a better partner, a better friend, and a better human being.
The journey with the Enneagram is ongoing. Each day brings new opportunities for growth, new challenges to overcome, and new depths of understanding to explore. But with the insights and tools the Enneagram provides, I feel better equipped than ever to navigate the complexities of marriage and to continue growing as a husband and as an individual.
In the end, the Enneagram has taught me that the key to a thriving marriage isn’t about being the perfect spouse, but about being perfectly yourself – authentic, vulnerable, and always growing. And that, I’ve found, is the greatest gift I can give to my wife and to our relationship.
